Reb Jeff
  • Blog
  • About
  • Favorites
  • Resources
    • Counting of the Omer
  • Wedding Officiation
  • Contact Me
  • Temple Sinai

Ki Tisa: Moses, Anger and Parenting

3/9/2012

 
Picture
This is the sermon I am delivering tonight at Temple Beit HaYam.

If you have ever been a parent—and, perhaps, if you have ever been the child of a parent—you know about the frustrating experience of reacting to children’s misbehavior. As parents, we love our children even when they do not behave the way we want. But knowing how to love a child when he or she misbehaves is one of the greatest challenges we experience as parents.

Of course, we get angry. Of course, we are tempted to yell at them and to tell them how disappointed we are in their behavior. We also know, though, that the instinct to yell and chastise should be considered carefully. We do not want to become so angry that the only thing the child hears is a message that says, “You are bad.” We want to make sure that we get across a message that explains what we find unacceptable about the child’s behavior, not about the child’s person. We want to reassure our children that we love them while we also send a clear message about the consequences of bad behavior and our hopes for future improvement.

Good parents know that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to the dilema of parenting through bad behavior. There are some situations that might be best addressed with a mild reprimand—such as, “I saw that, Rachel, and I did not like it.” There are other situations that call for sterner consequences, such as the loss of a privilege, the demand for a direct apology, a “time out,” or paying back a loss suffered because of a hurtful action.

The question that parents should ask themselves before reacting to a child’s misbehavior—and I know this is difficult—is this: For whose sake am punishing this child? Is the consequence I am decreeing for the sake of the child’s benefit? Am I doing it because of some personal need for myself? Or, is it for the sake of some other person? When we are clear with ourselves, as parents, about who benefits from our response to bad behavior, we are more likely to make good choices that help direct the child to better behavior in the future.

This week’s Torah portion, Ki Tisa, tells us a story about misbehavior, about punishing bad behavior, and about the motivation behind the punishment. The story is one that you know. It is the story of how the Israelites built a Golden Calf, an idol to worship, even while Moses was on top of Mount Sinai receiving the tablets of the Ten Commandments directly from God.

According to the Torah, at the end of forty days on the mountain, God told Moses what the Israelites had done. God decreed that the Israelites would be destroyed for their sin and that God would form a new covenant with Moses’ descendants. Moses had to argue with God not to destroy the Israelites, and, instead, to have compassion on them. Once God’s anger relented, Moses went down the mountain with the tablets. When he reached the Israelites at the base of Mount Sinai, he heard their singing and saw their dancing as they worshipped the Golden Calf. The Torah tells us: 

“As soon as Moses came near the camp and saw the Calf and the dancing, he became enraged. He sent the tablets from his hands and shattered them at the foot of the mountain” (Exodus 32:19).

Now, you may think that you know why Moses smashed those tablets written by the hand of God. You’ve seen the movie and you remember the anger that was on Charlton Heston’s face when he lifted the tablets over his head and brought them down. It is a moment that might remind you of how angry you felt when you saw your child doing something wrong. It might remind you of how you felt when you saw your mother or father become enraged with your behavior. In our imagination, Moses smashed the tablets in anger. 

However, there is far from a consensus among Judaism’s classical commentators about this. The smashing of the tablets was certainly a consequence of the Israelites’ bad behavior, but it is not clear what feelings or motivations in Moses brought it about. Understanding that moment can be a way for us to understand our own choices as parents when a child does something that makes our blood boil.

Deuteronomy Raba, a collection of midrashim from the 1st or 2nd century, agrees with Cecil B. DeMille that the main emotion going through Moses’ mind was sheer rage. However, the midrash wonders why Moses became so angry only after he came down the mountain. God already had told Moses about the Golden Calf when he was on top of Mount Sinai. Why did he not react with anger then? The midrash even has God asking Moses why he did not get angry until he saw the idol with his own eyes. God says, “Moses, did you not believe Me (when I told you) that they built themselves a calf?”

This midrash wants us to know that it was the sight of the Golden Calf that triggered Moses’ anger. Moses’ fury was not calculated or premeditated. It was a fiery, impulsive reaction. So much so, the Torah says, that he shattered the tablets that had been written with God’s own hand.

If we follow this midrash, we could compare Moses’ anger with that of a parent who punishes a child impulsively—a gut reaction to seeing something that is not right. You might say that Moses is like a parent whose response to misbehavior is for the sake of appeasing his or her own anger.

As I said, this is not the only interpretation that our tradition offers for Moses smashing the tablets. Rashbam—a twelfth century commentator who lived in France—sees it differently. Rashbam says that Moses acted more out of despair than anger. Remember that, at this point, Moses was eighty years old and he had just carried two heavy tablets all the way from the top of Mount Sinai down to the foot of the mountain. Rashbam asks, What gave him the strength to do that? It must have been some supernatural power that came to Moses from God and from the words of Torah that were inscribed upon the tablets.

Rashbam argues that, when Moses saw the Golden Calf, that power disappeared. In the face of the Israelites reveling in their idolatry, Moses’ strength weakened, or the tablets themselves grew heavier. When the Torah says that Moses “sent them from his hands,” Rashbam believes that it is because Moses no longer had the strength to hold them. Moses cast the tablets a little way from himself so that they would not injure him as they fell. 

According to Rashbam, Moses broke the tablets for the sake of protecting himself. He did it in order to save himself from the inevitable danger posed by the Israelite’s idolatry. 

For many parents, this is a familiar story. When we see our children misbehaving it can feel like we have been sapped of our strength. We act out of despair. We feel a great weight on our shoulders and we are not sure if we are even capable of raising children. Sometimes, when we react to our children’s bad behavior, we do so in a self-protective way. We order them to go to their room—and, if we are honest, sometimes it’s just to get them out of our sight. We might yell at the children some, but it is only to keep ourselves from crying in front of them. This is another example of parents responding to children’s misbehavior for the sake of their own needs, not their children’s needs.

There is also a third possibility, and this comes from the 15th century Italian commentator, S’forno. He says that Moses neither broke the tablets for the sake of appeasing his anger, nor for the sake of protecting himself in a moment of weakness. S’forno says that Moses did it for the sake of the Israelites.

According to his interpretation, when Moses saw that the Israelites were actually happy about the terrible sin they had committed, he knew that something dramatic needed to happen to change the way that they thought about themselves. Breaking the tablets, says Sforno, was a dramatic gesture intended to force the Israelites to reconsider their values and their choices.

Imagine, again, a parent who discovers a child misbehaving. Often, the child shows immediate remorse once he or she recognizes a parent’s disapproval and stop misbehaving. Sometimes, though, the child will have no awareness that he or she has done anything wrong and becomes defiant, even after being discovered, because the child feels no shame about what he or she has done. 

S’forno says that this is the situation in which Moses found himself. Moses was genuinely angry, for sure, but he also was concerned about how unaware the Israelites were about their own deplorable behavior. S’forno says that Moses’ display of anger was calculated to get the Israelites to understand the nature of what they had done. He hoped to awaken them to a moral awareness, without which, the tablets and the Torah would be meaningless to them. 

Moses, says S’forno, broke the tablets for Israel’s sake. He hoped to make the people worthy of the tablets by awakening them to the need for a moral structure.

This is like the response of parents who feel true anger but who do not let their anger dictate their response. Instead, they think about the message that will prompt their children to reconsider their actions. Their goal is to change their children’s behavior—not by coercion—but by awakening them to the seriousness of the choices they have made, by getting them to think about what they have done, and by encouraging them to make better choices in the future on their own. 

When we see other people behave badly—whether it is a child, an adult, a spouse, a friend, a stranger, or a public figure—we can get angry. Before we act on that anger, though, we should ask ourselves: For whose sake is my display of anger? Does it do any good? Are there times when displaying anger is not appropriate? Are there ways of showing anger that are more effective?  How can I use my anger to do the most good against things that are wrong?

Of course, when the person who angers us is a child—especially when it is our own child—the stakes are even higher. Instinctively, we want to do what is right for our children, but sometimes it is difficult to know what that is. By asking ourselves these questions, by focussing on actions that serve the needs of our children first, we can make wiser choices and raise children who are ready to receive Torah, a teaching about how to live a good life.

Shabbat shalom.



Other Posts on This Topic:
Vayetze: Righteous Anger
Ki Tisa: The Golden Calf Is Within Us

Comments are closed.

    Welcome

    This blog is about living a joyful Jewish life and bringing joy to synagogues and the Jewish community. Join the conversation by commenting on posts and sharing your experiences. For more on the topic, read the First Post.
    "Like" Reb Jeff on FB

    RSS Feed

    Enter your email address to subscribe to Reb Jeff posts by email

    Follow Reb Jeff's Tweets

    Recent Posts

    Purim & COVID-19
    ​The Honor of Heaven
    Chasing Our Own Tails
    Drilling Under Your Seat
    Change the World
    Self-Righteousness
    Where We Came From
    What We Must Believe
    ​Is Passover 7 or 8 Days?Origin Story
    Va'eira: Leadership​

    Jeff's Favorites

    • First Post
    • Searching for How the Bible Defines Marriage 
    • The Difference between God and Religion
    • In the Beginning of What?
    • Rape, Abortion and Judaism
    • Ten Thoughts about Being a Rabbi
    • Temple Dues and Don'ts
    • A Pesach Lesson from Yoga
    • The Purpose of the Torah

    Torah Portions

    Genesis
    Bereshit
    Noach
    Lech Lecha
    Vayera
    Chayei Sarah
    Toledot
    Vayetze
    Vayishlach
    Vayeshev
    Miketz
    Vayigash
    Vayechi

    Exodus
    Shemot
    Va'eira
    Bo
    Beshalach
    Yitro
    Mishpatim
    Terumah
    Tetzaveh
    Ki Tisa
    Vayakhel
    Pekudei

    Leviticus
    Vayikra
    Tzav
    Shemini
    Tazria
    Metzora
    Acharei Mot
    Kedoshim
    Emor
    Behar
    Bechukotai

    Numbers
    Bamidbar
    Naso
    Beha'alotecha
    Shelach
    Korach
    Chukat
    Balak
    Pinchas
    Matot
    Masei

    Deuteronomy
    Devarim
    Va'etchanan
    Ekev
    Re'eh
    Shoftim
    Ki Tetze
    Ki Tavo
    Nitzavim
    Vayelech
    Ha'azinu
    Vezot Haberachah

    Holidays
    Shabbat
    Rosh Chodesh
    Pesach/Passover
    Omer Period
    Yom HaShoah
    Yom HaZikaron
    Yom Ha'atzma'ut
    Pesach Sheini
    Lag B'Omer
    Yom Yerushalayim
    Shavuot
    Fast of Tammuz
    Tisha B'Av
    Tu B'Av
    Rosh Hashanah
    Days of Awe
    Yom Kippur
    Sukkot
    Hoshanah Rabbah
    Shmini Atzeret/
    Simchat Torah
    Chanukah
    Tu BiShvat
    Adar (Joy Increases!)
    Purim

    Archives

    November 2022
    September 2022
    May 2022
    January 2022
    September 2021
    September 2020
    August 2020
    May 2020
    March 2020
    October 2019
    September 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011

    Loading
    Jewish Bloggers
    Powered By Ringsurf
    Picture