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Adult B'nei Mitzvah

6/23/2012

 
My mother-in-law celebrated becoming a bat mitzvah this morning at the unconventional age of none of your business. It was a pleasure to see her on the bimah swelling with pride as she made a bold statement about being a full and commited member of the Jewish people, along with nine other adults from her congregation.

Adult B'nei Mitzvah has become a standard offering at many Reform congregations. Most participants are people who, for one reason or another, never had a chance to celebrate becoming a bar or bat mitzvah as thirteen-year-olds. Some, like my mother-in-law, grew up in an era when bat mitzvah was not an option for Jewish girls. Some are people who converted to Judaism as adults, who weren't even Jewish when they were thirteen.
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In some sense, being an "adult bar or bat mitzvah" is an oxymoron. Every Jew automatically becomes a bar or bat mitzvah upon reaching the age of Jewish maturity, regardless of whether there was a celebration of their changed Jewish legal status at the beginning of adolescence. Technically speaking, all "adult b'nei mitzvah" are just celebrating something that actually occurred long before the day they read from Torah at the synagogue—usually decades before.

However, since the "bar/bat mitzvah ceremony" has become such a mainstay of the Jewish lifecycle, adult Jews who did not get bar or bat mitzvah celebrations as kids feel that there is something missing from their Jewish identity. They want to turn back the clock and have some kind of ritual in which they can declare, finally, "Today I am recognized as an adult member of the Jewish community." In almost every case, they really are declaring that they see themselves as adult Jews. 

Yet, as much as these Jewish adults wish to capture the experience they missed when they were kids, the ceremonies they create as adults, to me, have a totally different feeling from the thirteen-year-old version of the ritual. You never think at an adult b'nei mitzvah celebration about the possibility that the participants are just doing it because their parents forced them into it. You never feel that the ritual is just an excuse for a party. You never worry that these b'nei mitzvah are going to drop out of Jewish communal life as soon as the celebration is over. How could they?

Adult b'nei mitzvah clearly are looking for an opportunity to embrace something important in their lives. The statements they make in front of their congregations are unimpeachably sincere. They want to declare how important it is for them to be Jews. They want to shout out to the universe how much they are committed to being part of the Jewish people for the rest of their lives. Of course, there also are thirteen-year-old boys and girls who make similar, earnest declarations at their bar and bat mitzvah celebrations, but we can never be certain that they will keep those convictions into adulthood. With "adult b'nei mitzvah," we see with certainty that they are in it for life.

In some way, "Adult B'nei Mitzvah" is an entirely different kind of ritual from the celebration of a thirteen-year-old Jewish boy or girl. Maybe, it is a ritual that should not be limited to those adults who did not have the childhood version of the bar or bat mitzvah experience. Maybe it is something we should consider for all adult Jews who wish to make a renewed commitment to Jewish identity and Jewish living at later stages of their lives. 

I am planning on offering an "Adult B'nei Mitzvah" class at my congregation this coming year. As I think about my mother-in-law and the nine other adult b'nei mitzvah this morning at Temple Isaiah of Lexington, Massachusetts, I think about the ways I can help other Jewish adults create a ritual for themselves that will reflect their need to declare themselves committed, adult Jews. It does not have to be the same kind of ritual we make for our thirteen-year-olds. It has to be a moment that allows all Jewish adults who are willing to step beyond the religious experiences (or non-experiences) of their childhoods and discover an authentic way of being fully Jewish as they are right now.


Other Posts on This Topic:
Acharei Mot-Kedoshim: Holy Bar Mitzvah
Writing a Word of Torah
Barb L.
6/24/2012 02:38:21 am

This is very inspiring. I wonder to what extent adult b'nei mitzvah is about the ritual and to what extent it is about the preparation. Is the preparation just about getting to the ritual or is it more than that? What is the process, the learning, that takes place? How do you pace it and keep it engaging to accommodate adults who arrive with different levels of knowledge, motivation and time commitments, so that it feels enriching enough yet not overwhelming?

Derorah Eliora
6/29/2012 07:24:13 am

I would like to offer a comment about my adult bat mitzvah process. The preparation took me inward and with my focus on Torah (for months) I found a deeper love for Hebrew. It improved my reading and comprehension of Hebrew. Preparing my d'var Torah gave me new perspectives about my personal relationship to Torah. Then the morning of my bat mitzvah I woke and thought, I can't wait to be with everyone. I developed a new awareness of community and how my "ritual" was not only mine. All of us were changed. We were all transformed because I was taking a new place in the community; becoming ready to leyn and to be a leader in prayer. One of the very happiest days of my life!

Abby
6/25/2012 06:35:43 am

Yay Mom!!! what a beautiful photo. Thanks for sharing this Jeff!

Derorah Eliora
6/25/2012 08:17:31 am

What a coincidence! I just celebrated my adult bat mitzvah on Shabbat Shelach L'cha. I was happy to read this post and feel the joy all over again. Another coincidence: I looked closely at your mother-in-law's tallit and this is the same one I was given! It is the tallit for the Women of the Wall and has the names of the matriarchs embroidered in gold thread at each of the four corners.

Reb Jeff
6/25/2012 09:32:38 am

Mazal tov, Derorah, on your bat mitzvah.

In fact, my mother-in-law's d'var Torah was about Women of the Wall and the struggle for religious rights that faces Israeli women and non-Orthodox Jews in Israel.

Derorah Eliora
6/29/2012 07:30:24 am

Thank you for your comments! My d'var Torah concerned the 90th anniversary of the first woman's bat mitzvah and the 40th anniversary of the first woman ordained as rabbi. No wonder we both have the women's tallit!


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