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Acharei Mot-Kedoshim: Holy Bar Mitzvah

4/30/2012

 
A great deal has been written in recent years about the way American Jews celebrate the ritual of a young person becoming a bar or bat mitzvah. Both in satire and in serious commentary, the American "Bar Mitzvah Service," has been criticized as an over-the-top spectacle that distorts the true values of Judaism. Often, it seems, the celebration is more about a family showing off its offspring and its wealth than it is about a young person accepting the Torah.

Hollywood lampooned the way some synagogues have become "Bar Mitzvah Factories" in the 2006 film, Keeping Up with the Steins. The movie pokes fun at parents who spend more money than they can afford on a party designed to impress relatives and business associates. 
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In the film, bar and bat mitzvah students are depicted as bored from memorizing Hebrew they don't understand. Even the rabbi is skewered as a pompous figure who cares more about his book tour and television appearances than actually teaching Torah. Of course, the movie exaggerates all of this to make its points, but it is funny because the caricatures are recognizable.

In 2007, Rabbi Eric Yoffie, President of the Union for Reform Judaism, spoke to the Reform Movement's biennial convention in San Diego and bemoaned how Shabbat morning worship has been "appropriated by the Bar and Bat Mitzvah families," and how congregants "who come to pray with the community often sit in the back of the sanctuary and feel like interlopers in their own congregation." Ouch. We do seem to have gotten seriously off-track if the experience of becoming a bar or bat mitzvah has turned into a circus of overblown egos that actually keeps faithful worshippers away from the synagogue.

This is not what becoming a bar mitzvah was meant to be. 

The origin of bar mitzvah is in a simple statement from Pirkei Avot. One of the sages teaches the appropriate ages for different milestones in life. "Age thirteen," he says, "is for fulfilling the mitzvot (commandments)" (M. Avot 5:21). By tradition, a boy at age thirteen is called up for an aliyah during a regular worship service. Typically, the child also chants one or more of the sections of the weekly Torah reading and the haftarah reading from the Hebrew Prophets. All of this is a way for the child to publicly acknowledge acceptance of the obligation to do mitzvot. He is called a bar mitzvah, Aramaic for, "one who embraces the commandment." 

(Despite the common misuse, "bar mitzvah" is not the name of a ceremony. The bar mitzvah is the person, not the service. "Bat mitzvah" is the feminine form. The plural of bar mitzvah is "b'nei mitzvah." The form, "b'nei mitzvot," is incorrect. Also, "bar mitzvah" is not a verb. You cannot be "bar mitzvahed." All Jewish children become b'nei mitzvah when they come of age, whether or not they celebrate the occasion at a worship service.)

In a perfect storm of religious schools that want to "get serious about standards" and parents who want to put their child on a stage, the "Bar Mitzvah Service" has become something distant from its original intention. Instead of a rite of initiation into the mitzvot, the service has become a kind of recital performance that caps years of preparation. Often, the child is expected to lead much of the service. That may be appropriate for the rare thirteen-year-old who is able to lead a congregation in worship with understanding and competence, but few actually are. No wonder most of the synagogue regulars stay away.

I should not complain too much. I have been fortunate to serve congregations that manage to keep the Torah, not the egos, at the center of the service. Maybe it is because they have been off the beaten path, on the outskirts of the urban American Jewish scene, that these congregations have a better perspective on the meaning of a Jewish child coming of age.

So, what does this have to do with this week's Torah portion? When a young man or young woman reaches the age of accepting the mitzvot, the celebration is about choosing to live a holy life. This week's Torah portion contains explicit instructions on what that means. 

Parashat Kedoshim (the second half of this week's Torah double header) opens with the verse, "You shall be holy, for I, Adonai your God, am holy" (Leviticus 19:2). It concludes with, "You shall be holy to Me, for I, Adonai, am holy" (Leviticus 20:26). In between those bookends, the portion offers instructions on the need for employers to treat their workers justly, on being honest in business, on treating rich and poor alike, on not taking advantage of the ignorance of others, on not indulging in inappropriate sexuality, and on respecting ones parents and the elderly. 

The portion includes some of the most powerful ethical teachings of the Torah, such as, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18). The emphasis is on being holy by being a mensch. 

These are the lessons we want every bar and bat mitzvah to remember for decades to come, long after the service and the party are over. We want them to feel that they have entered into a covenant that offers them the opportunity to live lives of holiness by doing what is right, honorable, and just, even as they live in a world with many temptations to do otherwise. Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah should not be about leading more of the service than the neighbor's kid. It should not be about throwing a lavish party. It certainly should not be about the end of Jewish learning when it has only just begun

Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah is an invitation. It is an invitation to live a holy life.


Other Posts on This Topic:
Writing a Word of Torah
Kedoshim: Being Holy
Tony Bellows
4/30/2012 11:43:52 pm

There is a wonderful TV Play (now on DVD) by Jack Rosenthal called "Bar Mitzvah Boy", which gets to the heart of the matter.

http://www.tvcream.co.uk/?p=7357

Michael Doyle link
5/1/2012 04:19:13 am

Last year I wrote a blog post on this same topic--the feeling that your shul isn't your shul anymore on a bar/bat mitzvah morning with a sanctuary filled with Jews whom you'll likely never see again.

The response I got was saddening. Many people told me the experience of the b'nei mitzvah kids was more important than the worship experience for regular congregants, and some people (from my own congregation) suggested I simply find somewhere else to worship on Shabbat morning. But It could be worse. There's a sister Reform shul down the road from ours. If they aren't celebrating b'nei mitzvah, they don't have a Shabbat morning service it all.

My concern boils down to this: if we as adult Reform Jews don't care enough about the experience of our regular congregants on Shabbat morning to meet their needs for worship--or even offer them a service--then why even bother with b'nei mitzvah for our children in the first place? Unless we're hoping that, somehow, our children will take their Judaism more seriously than we do.

Reb Jeff link
5/1/2012 04:28:09 am

"If we as adult Reform Jews don't care enough about the experience of our regular congregants on Shabbat morning to meet their needs for worship…then why even bother with b'nei mitzvah for our children in the first place?"

Wow. I think that says it all. I could not put it better myself.

Another thought, though: This is not a problem that is limited to Reform Judaism. B'nei Mitzvah celebrations have gotten out of hand in all of the major movements. I've been to Orthodox and Conservative "bar mitzvah parties" that are just as lavishly inappropriate as anything in Reform.

Michael Doyle link
5/1/2012 06:11:28 am

True. I have an Orthodox blogger friends who reminded me that this same discussion happens in Orthodox communities, too. My takeaway from my own blog post was that, changing as the movement is, we still have some very entrenched and unexamined areas of normative Reform Judaism that serve as a kind of baseline "comfort zone." My heartfelt wish for you is that your congregation, in reading yours, understands that opening this debate is in no way denigrating the b'nei mitzvah kids or the importance of their study and experience up on the bimah.

Reb Jeff link
5/1/2012 06:35:33 am

Thank you, Michael, for your good wishes. I say, Amen.

As I wrote, our congregation seems to have its priorities in order. The children are made to feel that they and their day is special. Yet, the focus remains on being part of the Jewish people and the values that Torah teaches. Our kids are great. They respond to the day by giving thoughtful divrei Torah and doing meaningful tzedakah projects that convey the meaning of the day to them.

Jan Dodi
5/2/2012 03:57:05 am

These are important discussions. We all need to find a way to make the experience of a Shabbat service meaningful for all. I want our children to be a part of the experience, but, they should be a part of the every Shabbat service experience, not just the bar/bat mitzvah service.
I also agree that this is a bigger problem than just the reform movement. We all have to find a way to make our Shabbat Service the reason for gathering Saturday mornings.


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