DAY 15
Thursday, September 3, 2020
Fourteenth Day of Elul 5780

Asking forgiveness from people we have hurt is a central part of t’shuvah. It’s a hard thing to do, but it is not an optional activity in preparing for the High Holy Days. Let’s get started.

In our society, we often see people making apologies that aren’t real apologies. You’ve probably experienced a non-apology or fake apology when someone says, “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong,” or, “I’m sorry for what I did, but what you did was worse.” We need to do better than that. A real apology, from a Jewish perspective, is a sacred act. It repairs our relationship with someone we have hurt and it repairs our relationship with God.

The first step to a real apology is simply stating clearly and specifically what you did that was wrong. Here are some examples:

• “Yesterday when we were talking with other people, I told a story about you that I should have known would be embarrassing for you. That was wrong of me.”

• “I promised you that I would call you when I know I’ll be home late, but tonight I forgot and didn’t call. I should have called you. It was wrong of me not to.”

• “I owe you an apology because you asked me to turn in my work by Friday and I agreed that I would. Not only did I not give it to you, I didn’t even tell you that I would be late. I should have turned it in on time, or at least explained to you why it would be late.”

Why is it so hard to clearly state what we have done wrong when we apologize? Very simply, because we are embarrassed and we don’t want to take responsibility for our actions. Our instinct is often to deny or deflect blame when we know we have done something wrong rather than take responsibility. Jewish ethics insist that we do the opposite; it insists that we own our behavior and admit it.

Practice for this day:
Think of a mistake or hurt that you have committed that you want to apologize for. (It’s good to choose a small one. This isn’t the time to confront a big, life-altering issue.) It should be something specific that you did and the apology should be directed to a specific person. Write down the words that you want to say to that person that express what you did wrong. Be as specific as possible.

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​Try practicing saying it out loud.

DAY 14
Wednesday, September 2, 2020
Thirteenth Day of Elul 5780

The most famous commandment in the Hebrew Bible (apart from the Big Ten) is the commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). This Golden Rule is expressed in almost all religions, but we do not often consider how difficult it really is. It takes a lot of compassion to care about other people with the same intensity that you care about yourself.

So, in order to love others as you love yourself, first be willing to forgive yourself when you feel you have fallen short. Remember that it is hard. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a good friend, caring about people in need, and working to make the world a better place.

And also know this: You have to love yourself before you are able to love others. Note that the verse says, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” You can’t do it if you don’t love yourself first.

Practice for this day:
Here is a well-known exercise you can do to expand your compassion and caring for others. It’s called the “Loving-Kindness Meditation.” (Google it to find other versions).

Sit in a comfortable position. Breathe and relax. Think of a person who loves you very much. Keeping your eyes closed, imagine that person sitting in front of you sending you their love. Feel the warmth of that person’s love washing over you. Feel the happiness it brings you.

Now imagine other people who love you surrounding you. Feel them sending their love to you, too. Bathe yourself in the comfort, safety and wellbeing that their love brings.

Now remember that the person in front of you, and all the others who surround you, need and enjoy feeling your love as much as you need and enjoy feeling their love. Send your love back to them, one person at a time. Repeat this phrase over and over: “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be free of pain.” You can say the words out loud or in your mind.

After you’ve done this practice thinking about people you love, expand it to imagine other people you know, but with whom you do not have a loving relationship. Repeat for them the same three wishes for their happiness, health and comfort. Notice how it feels to do this.

Finally, expand the practice again by imagining the whole world and all living creatures. Repeat the same three wishes for the whole world. Notice how this feels and how your body and mind respond to it. Write down your impressions of the experience.

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DAY 13
Tuesday, September 1, 2020
Twelfth Day of Elul 5780

The Bible’s psalms were written thousands of years ago, but they capture timeless truths about human nature. One psalm teaches, “Give up anger, abandon fury, do not be vexed. It can only do harm” (Psalm 37:8).

Of course, no emotion is always bad. There are some things that should anger us, like injustice and intentional cruelty. But there are few emotional experiences that have greater potential for harm than unbridled anger.

Has this happened to you? You hear or experience something that triggers a reflex that causes your face to tighten and flush. Your heart begins to beat faster. At the same time, although you usually don’t notice it, your ability to process information and to monitor your behavior is compromised. You may have had this experience of “losing control,” speaking or acting hurtfully or aggressively in anger in ways that “only do harm.”

When people today talk about things they want to change about themselves, the one thing they say more than anything else is the ability to be patient and control anger. This may be because they recognize that anger has hurt their ability to form lasting, meaningful relationships. Being angry frequently, repeatedly, or constantly can also be deeply harmful to your physical health.

It is important to note that healthy expressions of anger are better than “bottling it up.” You can try saying (or even yelling), “I’m very angry right now! But this is not a good time to talk about it! I’m going to wait until I’m feeling calmer and we’ll talk then!” It may sound odd, but releasing anger in ways that express feelings without inflicting harm can save a relationship.

Unfortunately, there is no easy or simple solution to chronic, uncontrolled anger. Learning to “give up anger,” as the psalmist advises, requires hard work and a lot of self-forgiveness. Be patient and loving with yourself in learning to use time-outs, meditation, relaxation, humor, forgiveness, and even physical exercise (it really helps) to learn to release anger in healthy ways.

Practice for this day:
Recall a time when you were able to recover from feeling “out of control” with anger. What worked? Write down some notes about the strategies that work for you to release anger in ways that do not damage you and your relationships. Try practicing them when you notice yourself getting agitated, upset or angered.

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DAY 12
Monday, August 31, 2020
Eleventh Day of Elul 5780

The Talmud states, “For transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur atones; but for transgressions between one person and another, Yom Kippur does not atone until the person appeases the other” (B. Yoma 85a).

This teaching means that no amount of praying and appealing to God will help you be forgiven for the harm you have done to another person until you approach that person with a sincere apology and ask that person to forgive you. For many people, this is the hardest part of t’shuvah. We are genuinely frightened of what will happen if we confess our mistakes and hurtful actions to the people they hurt. We are terrified of the response we may get if we ask to be forgiven.

This is why it is so important to accept apologies. If a person offers a sincere apology for a specific hurt to you, you should accept it. It can be difficult, but it is the right thing to do.

People often ask: What if the person I hurt refuses to accept my apology? What if the person also hurt me and doesn’t admit it? What if it was so long ago that they have forgotten? What if my confession will only reignite old hurts and bad feelings? What if the person I hurt has died?

The answers to all these questions are the same. You do the best you can. Tell the person what you did, accept responsibility, say you will not do it again, apologize and ask forgiveness. Express your feelings the best way you can in a way that does the least harm. You can even talk to dead people. Most people do at some point in their lives, even if they don’t expect an answer.

There is one important exception. You do not have to ask forgiveness of someone who abused you physically or emotionally. Seeking face-to-face forgiveness from a past or present abuser is not safe and will not be successful. If you have had such an experience, consider seeking the help of a professional.

Practice for this day:
To begin this difficult process, think of one to three times you hurt someone and wish to be forgiven. (It does not matter if it was recent or a long time ago; it does not matter if the person you hurt knows about it or not). At this point, you are just naming the hurt you did. That, by itself is a big positive step. Later, you will create a plan to apologize and ask forgiveness.

Write down the hurt you caused. Say it out loud.

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​Take note of how it feels to say this.

DAY 11
Sunday, August 30, 2020
Tenth Day of Elul 5780

We have completed ten days of our forty-day journey toward t’shuvah. It is a good time to review the work you have done to get to this point and to set your sights on where you wish to go.

Practice for this day:
Review the teachings and your responses to the practices from the first ten days. If you have not read or completed the practices for some of the days up to this point, or for any of them, do not become discouraged. T’shuvah is a lifelong process. There are many opportunities to begin again. There is no better time to start than right now.

As you look over the teachings, are there any ideas or responses that seem particularly powerful to you? Are there any ideas or feelings you particularly want to remember? Are there any thoughts you have written that you now wish to revise?

Jot down your thoughts here:

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As we continue the journey toward t’shuvah, do you wish to make any commitments to goals you would like to achieve by Yom Kippur or beyond?

Jot down your thoughts here:

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DAY 10
Saturday, August 29, 2020
Ninth Day of Elul 5780
Shabbat Ki Teitzei

Today is Shabbat, the most holy day in Jewish tradition. It is our day of rest and our day of joyfully feeling God’s presence all around us.

This particular Shabbat is called Shabbat Ki Teitzei for the Torah portion we read today. Like last week, this week’s Torah portion focuses on laws of warfare. In one verse, the Torah states, “When you go out to war against your enemies, and Adonai your God will deliver them into your power, and you take some of them captive…” (Deuteronomy 21:10).

Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer, the 18th-century founder of Chasidism known as the Baal Shem Tov, personalized this verse into a lesson about t’shuvah. He said that in life we all must do battle with our own yetzer ha-ra, “the evil inclination” that leads us away from doing the right thing. When we join this battle, we should know that “Adonai your God will deliver it into your power,” that is, the Torah promises that we will be victorious in overcoming our own baser impulses when we truly choose to struggle with them. But, not only that, the Baal Shem Tov also teaches that we will “take it captive.” He explains that this means that we will be able to “harness the power of the yetzer ha-ra to the service of God.”

What does that mean? How can a person use her or his evil inclination to do good? This is one of the great insights of rabbinic Judaism into the human psyche.

You see, the yetzer ha-ra may be the part of our minds that responds to egotism, selfishness, greed, and eagerness to feed our cravings, but that does not make it all bad. Egotism can lead us astray, but it also can lead us to self-preservation, industriousness, creativity and ambition to do good. Judaism does not teach that we must all become self-denying monks, renouncing all comfort and pleasure. Not at all. Jewish teaching asks us, rather, to direct our desires and ambitions toward doing good for ourselves, for society, and for the world.


Practice for this day:
Consider the qualities you possess that can be used for both good or bad. Are you creative? Ambitious? Determined? Sensuous? Extravagant? Think about the times one or more of these qualities has helped you do good for others and for yourself. Think also of times when one or more of these qualities have led you into behavior you regret or that proved harmful. What choices can you make to avoid the negative consequences of your strongest personality traits? What choices can you make to use your strongest personality traits to turn you in the direction of improvement and benefit? Note these here:

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DAY 9
Friday, August 28, 2020
Eighth Day of Elul 5780

Previously, we considered the story of Joseph and his brothers as a model for t’shuvah. That story (Genesis chapters 37-50) contains many lessons about how people get off track in life and how they can return. Today, we’ll consider another.

Deception is a recurring theme in the story of Joseph. Jacob’s sons deceived their father when they showed him Joseph’s blood-stained coat and allowed Jacob to believe that Joseph was dead. Judah deceived Tamar when he told her that he would allow her to marry his son Shelah. Joseph deceived his brothers the entire time they appeared before him by hiding his true identity.

In all these cases, deception actually resulted from self-deception. The brothers were driven to deceive Jacob because of their unacknowledged shame of feeling unloved by him. Judah denied his fear of losing his son by punishing his daughter-in-law, Tamar. Joseph deceived himself into believing that he did not need the love of his family.

We human beings are skilled at self-deception. We bury our feelings and pretend that we do not need other people or care about their feelings. Self-deception is what we do when we are too angry, ashamed or scared to see ourselves. Ironically and tragically, self-deception only makes us feel worse and propels us into a spiral of lack of self-respect or feeling that we are an imposter.

This is one of the greatest obstacles to t’shuvah. If we cannot admit our feelings and our habits to ourselves, we are unlikely to feel motivated to improve. Overcoming self-deception is hard work. It requires us to lower the guard of our ego and to look at ourselves honestly. It takes time, courage, patience and self-forgiveness.

Practice for this day:
Have a conversation with yourself. Talk to yourself out loud about who you are and the things about yourself that you would like to improve. Notice the moments that make you feel uncomfortable, ashamed, defensive, or sad. Speaking out loud to yourself may feel embarrassing or awkward, but it really helps. This is very hard work. Practice kindness and gentleness with yourself. If thoughts become too painful, take a break and remember the things you like about yourself, too.

Write down some brief notes about your observations. What positive truths about yourself will help you to better accept yourself as you are

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DAY 8
Thursday, August 27, 2020
Seventh Day of Elul 5780

In the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, God forbade the first two human beings from eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Despite God’s warning, Adam and Eve ate the fruit. Feeling ashamed, they tried to hide from God. God called out to them and says, Ayeka?, literally, “Where are you?”

Now, when we think about this story, we notice that it is impossible that God did not know the answer to the question. Of course God knew where they were. God is God. So, why did God have to ask?

One answer is that God was not asking because God did not know. God was asking because Adam and Eve did not know. They didn’t know where they were. They did not even know who they were. By doing something they knew they were not supposed to do, they lost themselves. They became different than they had been and they were disoriented, unsure about how to get back to where they were before.

This is another moment of t’shuvah. Whenever our lives go off track, whenever we behave in ways that are different from the person we want to be, we get lost. God is in the voice that calls us back by asking, “Where are you?” That voice helps us to recognize that we are lost, and helps us find our way back to ourselves. That is t’shuvah.

Practice for this day:
Ask yourself the primal question, “Where am I?” If you want, you can answer, “I’m at home in Rhode Island, of course!” but you know that there is a deeper answer. Where are you in your life? Right now, are you the person you want to be? In what ways have you gotten off course? If there is something in your life that is off kilter, that is keeping you from being the person you want to be, name it.

Write down, very briefly, one to three ways in which your life is on the wrong course that you would like to correct.

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DAY 7
Wednesday, August 26, 2020
Sixth Day of Elul 5780

The first Jewish prayer that most of us learn is the Shema. The six Hebrew words are Shema Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad, “Hear O Israel, Adonai is our God, Adonai is One.”

We often understand that final word, “One,” as a statement that there are no other gods. We hear it as a statement of monotheism and a rejection of the belief in many gods. But Jewish tradition gives an even deeper meaning to that word, “One.”

If you think about it, the Shema cannot possibly be only about there not being any other gods. If it were, it would have said, “Adonai is the only one,” instead of saying, “Adonai is One.” (In Hebrew, this would be rak Adonai instead of Adonai Echad.)

What the Shema really means when it says, “Adonai is One,” is that God is the unity par excellence, the perfect unity that makes everything that exists into One. This is the deep meaning of the Shema and one of the most essential teachings of Judaism. We and everything that exists are all a part of God.

What does that mean for making t’shuvah? If the deepest truth of your existence is that you are a part of God, then God cannot possibly reject you. Instead, God yearns for you. God knows this deep truth that you are an essential part of God and the universe as a whole. God wants you to have this awareness, too. God wants you to return to God, which is just another way of saying that God wants you to return to yourself. The process of returning, which we call t’shuvah, requires work and it requires judgment, but it is not about decreeing yourself to be guilty or innocent. Rather it is about finding your way back home to God, which is really the only place you have ever been.

Practice for this day:
Recite the Shema out loud and understand it as a statement about unity. Feel it as an affirmation of your unity with God. Repeat saying it as many times as you need to feel yourself to be a part of God.

Write down how this experience feels. What new insights does it give you about the task of forgiveness and personal change for the better?

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DAY 6
Tuesday, August 25, 2020
Fifth Day of Elul 5780

The Talmud teaches: “The person who has made t’shuvah stands in a place where not even a purely righteous person can stand” (B. Berachot 34b). The statement is understood to mean that t’shuvah not only cleanses a person of sin, it actually places that person above those who have never sinned at all. It is one of Jewish tradition’s most paradoxical statements about repentance, and it is one of the most difficult for us to believe. Yet, it is essential.

Why do we not believe the statement? It is because we learn from a young age that the mistakes we make leave a permanent mark on us. When we feel guilty or ashamed of things we have done wrong, we tend to believe that there is an accuser who will always remember our mistakes and bring it as evidence against us. For many of us, the accuser we imagine is actually ourselves. We ourselves are the person whose accusations we fear the most.

Jewish tradition wisely understands how unhealthy this is. We will never be able to grow and become better people if we can never forgive ourselves, if we can never believe that we can be better. If we believe that we are forever guilty, we will also believe that trying to change is futile. We will believe that we are somehow bad by our nature.

Do you see how counterproductive this belief is? If you think that you cannot improve yourself because you believe that your past wrongs make it impossible for you to be better, then what chance do you have? What chance does anyone have? If you believe that only a “perfectly righteous person” is deserving of being a good person, then no one would ever improve, find forgiveness, or believe themselves to be good. No one would ever be good.

You have to believe that it is possible for human beings to learn from their mistakes, find forgiveness, and become better. Not only that, you also have to believe that once you have gone through this experience of changing, you will be better than you were before because the experience will have taught you how to change. You will be standing in a better place.

Practice for this day:
Think of a past mistake in your life, even one from long ago, that makes you feel guilty to this day. In your mind, weigh the pros and cons of continuing to feel guilty. What benefit do you get from your feelings of guilt? How do your feelings of inadequacy and shame hold you down? How would you benefit if you were able to release your guilty feelings and feel forgiven? What benefit would you get from feeling that you had overcome your past mistake?

Write down your past mistake and whether you want to feel forgiven:

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